After the Spy Seduces Page 17

  All except Diana.

  She was trying. She truly was trying—for Christopher’s sake, if not for her own, because it mattered so much to him that she think about something other than Meri tonight. That for a few hours, at least, she might forget about the French and their threats and simply experience the fair, as if they were any other couple who had come to town for the festival.

  So she forced a smile and played along. “What are periwinkles?”

  “You’ve never had periwinkles?” Positioning himself beside her so that she wouldn’t accidentally be jostled by the crush of people pressing in around them, he offered her the cone. “They’re mollusks that grow along the coast.” He popped another into his mouth and made a soft sound of appreciation at the taste, clearly exaggerating to prick her interest. “The locals scrape them off the rocks, pluck them from their shells, and then cook them up with some garlic, pepper, and lots of butter.” When she only stared at him, speechless, he stopped in mid-chew. “They’re delicious.”

  She screwed up her nose. “They’re snails!”

  “Sort of.” He waved the cone temptingly in front of her. “But less French.”

  “No, thank you.”

  “Where’s your loyalty to England?”

  She pushed the cone away. “Snails are snails, regardless of nationality.”

  “Try one.” His eyes gleamed, daring her to take one. “You’ll like it, I promise.”

  She gestured toward one of the stalls across the way. “I’d rather have the roasted chestnuts they’re selling over there.”

  He looked aghast. “Where’s the adventure in that?” Yet he took her arm and escorted her through the crowd in the direction she’d pointed.

  She slid him a sideways glance of recrimination. “I have enough adventure in my life right now, thank you very much.”

  That mutter earned her a concerned glance from him. In an attempt to focus her thoughts elsewhere, he popped another couple of periwinkles into his mouth and asked between chews, “How did you grow up in so many different places and not develop a fondness for exotic dishes?”

  “Or at least a willingness to try unusual ones, you mean?” She stayed close to his side as they continued through the fair, having to lean in to be heard over the music.

  “That, too.” He offered the cone again, only for her to push it away with a scowl at his persistence.

  “Lots of places, yes, but always on or near British army posts, none of which are known for their daring cuisine.” She gave an exaggerated sigh that drew a smile from him. “You were in the army. You know how it is. In one hand, they give you your uniform, and in the other, a pot of boiled beef and leeks.”

  He winced. “Don’t remind me.”

  She couldn’t help the smile that pulled at her lips, despite the heaviness that still weighed upon her, and he rewarded her for it by a touch to the small of her back. A familiar and affectionate caress. They had no future, but Diana was grateful to be given this bit of him, no matter how small. For a few precious hours, she could lean on his strength.

  He ate the last of the periwinkles, crumpled the cone in his hand, and tossed it away.

  “But you’re no longer a soldier,” she reminded him.

  No, he was a servant of a different kind to the Crown, yet his life wasn’t so very different from that of her father and Major Paxton. His uniform might be invisible, but he was still obliged to follow orders, still required to do whatever Whitehall wanted from him and go wherever they assigned him.

  “What will you do?” Feeling the distance creeping in upon them already, she wrapped her arm around his to keep close to his side. “You can’t pretend forever to be waiting for a living in the Church.”

  “No, I can’t,” he agreed somberly. From the way he said that, she suspected that something else weighed on his mind.

  And damn the foolish hope that sprung up inside her chest that he might want a life away from service, that made her ask far too breathlessly, “What will you do then?”

  He dismissed the question with a stilted shrug. Then, he threw it back at her. “What do you want to do with your life, Diana?”

  She froze, surprised at his question. No man had ever asked her that before. They’d just assumed that she wanted the same as all other society misses—dresses, parties, a pretty little townhouse she could waste her time decorating between afternoon calls and teas. But Christopher genuinely wanted to know, and for once, she realized, not because he wanted to distract her.

  She pulled in a deep breath and placed her trust in him as she shared, “I want to start a charity that will teach boys how to work with horses, so they can find good positions as trainers, drivers, and grooms. Maybe even secure positions in the cavalry.”

  “That’s ambitious.”

  “I suppose.” Always before, with her father and the major, she’d dropped the subject at this point. But with Christopher, she felt emboldened and seized the chance to explain. “But the stables and paddocks at Idlewild are already the largest in the county, with plenty of room to expand. We have good grooms and drivers in place now—men who served with the general in the army, who can teach apprentices and stable boys the proper way to work with horses from the very start. They’ll pass down all their knowledge, and the boys will use that to improve their lives. And not just their lives, but their families’ situations as well. Too many charities help children but do nothing for the families. My charity wouldn’t be like that. We’d help everyone.”

  “Including the horses.”

  “You think I’m being silly.” She didn’t dare look at him. She didn’t want to see the same expression of patronizing sympathy she’d seen from her father and the major when she’d told them of her dreams.

  “When I think of you, Diana,” he murmured, leading her onward in a winding path toward the roasted chestnuts, “silly isn’t at all a word that comes to mind.”

  His husky words curled through her, warming her as they went.

  Yet he cast her a dubious glance. “But I thought you’d want a husband, with a family and house of your own. Someone to help you raise Meri.”

  “I do want that, too. It’s just…” She’d confided in him so far. There was no need to hold back now, so she admitted, “Finding a husband isn’t that simple.”

  They reached the man who was stirring hot chestnuts over a small fire, and Christopher tossed him in a coin in exchange for a scoop. “Why not? You’re a special woman, Diana.” He nodded his thanks, then handed her the nuts wrapped in their scrap of paper and led her onward. “You could have your choice of eligible gentlemen.”

  “It’s so much harder than that.” She frowned down at the chestnuts, not having an appetite for them. “I have to be certain that the man I marry loves me enough that I can trust in him about Meri before we’re wed, a man who will love her as much as the other children we might have together.” Unable to look at him, she fussed with the nuts as she added, “A man who can provide the stable life that a little girl like Meri needs.”

  “And her mother.”

  She stiffened, catching that comment as a gentle accusation. But he wasn’t wrong. “After a life spent constantly relocating to new places around the world every few years, is it wrong to want that?”

  “Not at all. But my cousin Robert would have provided all of that for you.” He snatched up one of the chestnuts and popped it into his mouth. She couldn’t be certain through the chewing, but she thought she heard jealousy in his voice. “Why didn’t you marry him?”

  “Robert is a good man, but I wasn’t absolutely certain that he would accept Meri as my child.” There was relief in being able to share these worries with him, when she’d never been able to speak of them to anyone before. Not even to Garrett. “Not completely. Not when his reputation is central to his business ventures. Meri and I would only have put that in jeopardy.”

  “And Major Paxton?” He took her by the arm and led her through the pressing crowd. “He seems very interested in y
ou.”

  “His interests are not returned.” She handed him the sack, unable to eat another nut. She hadn’t eaten much more than a few bites during the past two days since Meri was taken, and even now, her stomach churned at the thought of food. “I assure you of that, despite what the general hopes will happen.”

  He stiffened, but his face remained an unreadable mask. “He’s picked Paxton for you, then?”

  “He wants me to be happily married and thinks that the major would give me that.”

  “But you don’t want Paxton.” Not a question, she noted. She didn’t have time to ponder that before he asked, “Why not? He seems like a good man with a solid future.”

  “In the army,” she added, following him deeper into the fairgrounds. “And that’s the problem. I can’t be a soldier’s wife. That life is too difficult.” Too insecure, too unstable…all the things she never wanted to subject Meri to.

  “I’m trying hard not to take that as a personal insult.” He tossed the unwanted nuts away. “Technically, I’m still a soldier, too, you know.”

  She knew that, and it ate a hole in her heart. Yet she tried to sound as unaffected as possible when she replied, “Then it’s a good thing you’re not interested in marrying me.”

  He gave a stilted and self-conscious laugh. One that was forced.

  She didn’t want to talk about this anymore. Not with him. “What life do you want for yourself, Christopher? You can tell me.” Her lips twisted wryly. “I’m quite good at keeping secrets.”

  He laughed, and she felt his defenses lowering. Yet the mask he wore to hide himself from the world still remained firmly in place. Would she ever be able to see completely beneath it?

  “I can’t answer that,” he said, but he didn’t glance down at her, his gaze focused on the crowd around them. She knew he was scanning it for the French.

  “Why not?”

  “My future is not my own.” When she frowned at that cryptic answer, suspecting that he was keeping the truth from her even now, he added, “Nothing is certain beyond what’s happening at this very moment, and that I’m doing everything I can to protect you and your family.”

  Her eyes and nose stung with emotion. When he said things like that… How on earth could she have ever thought him nothing but a shiftless scoundrel?

  When she looked at him now, she could see right through that charade, as clearly as if he were wearing a costume. Just as she could see the flaws in the stories she’d heard about him, those clues that now appeared as bright as day. Now when she looked at him and saw exactly how dashing, strong, and daring he actually was, she also saw how wholly competent, capable, and successful.

  How impossible for her.

  No matter that he’d proven himself to be a hero and that the general respected him. No matter that she had come to trust him with her life—and now, in saving Meri, with her heart. His life was not his own. Not as long as he remained in service to the Crown. He could be sent away wherever and whenever Whitehall needed him. How could she live with the uncertainty of never knowing when he would come home…or if? Of the constant upheaval his work would bring to her life and Meri’s?

  There was no future for her and Christopher. Fate ended all hope of that before any chance at a life together had even begun.

  But knowing that didn’t stop her from wanting him. Or prevent her foolish heart from loving him.

  She stopped and faced him, her hands clutching at his waistcoat to emphasize how much he meant to her, how much faith she had in him. “You could have everything you want, if you let yourself.”

  Before she could lose her courage, she rose onto her tiptoes and kissed him.

  Kit didn’t move, taken completely by surprise. He let her kiss him, her lips soft and delicate as they moved entreatingly against his. Almost imploringly. As if she could convince him through her kiss of how much faith she held in him.

  He wanted nothing more than to believe her. Yet he knew the truth. He had no future.

  “Diana, stop.” Her name was a plea for mercy as his shoulders sagged, as the full effect of her hit him like a brick—the desire and longing to possess her in ways that were more than merely physical, to be with her not just for tonight but the rest of his life.

  Something deep inside him shattered, and as the pieces of his heart fell away like shards of glass, he saw fully for the first time all that he could never have.

  The loss of her was excruciating.

  Clutching her shoulders in his hands, he rasped out, “I can’t be the man you need.”

  “I don’t want you to be anything but yourself.”

  The irony pierced him. Ten years of living a lie, of pretending to be someone he wasn’t…until Diana. Until it was too late.

  His hands dropped to his sides. “I can’t be that either.”

  Her eyes glistened in the lamplight. But she couldn’t find the words either of them needed to gain solace in the double-cross fate had played on them.

  “We should go back to the hotel.” He looked away, before she could see the grief on his face. “We could both use some rest.”

  She hesitated, and for a moment, he held his breath, fearing that she would press for answers, and what the hell was he supposed to tell her if she did? That he loved her, and loved her enough to sacrifice everything to keep her and her daughter safe?

  But thank God she could sense that he didn’t want to discuss this and acquiesced quietly, “All right.”

  He took her arm to lead her out of the festival.

  They were pushed together because of the crush of bodies that filled the fairgrounds and pressed in on them from all sides. She walked beside him, close enough that her skirt brushed against his legs, and she occasionally bumped against him when the crowd jostled them.

  But she felt a thousand miles away, completely out of his reach, and the gulf stretching between them grew wider with every panging heartbeat. Yet he tightened his hold on her elbow. He wouldn’t abandon her until he was forced to.

  She halted suddenly, her eyes growing wide and her mouth falling open as she stared ahead into the crowd.

  “Garrett?” She shook off his hand and took a tentative step forward, as if she couldn’t believe her eyes. Then relief melted over her face, and she cried out hoarsely as she started forward, “Garrett!”

  “Diana, wait!” But she slipped through Kit’s fingers as he grabbed for her arm and dashed forward into the crowd before he could stop her, disappearing among the sea of bodies.

  Chapter 17

  Her heart leapt into her throat. Garrett. He was here!

  Diana pushed through the throng of people crowding between the rows of stalls and tents. But after every step she took, the crush closed in around her and she couldn’t see more than a few feet in front of her. The sea of people made searching the crowd of faces even more difficult. But her brother was here. She knew it!

  Not a trick of her eyes, not an illusion—she’d recognize Garrett anywhere. Even here.

  She hurried across the fairgrounds, glancing around her in every direction for any glimpse of him. Her heart pounded so hard that she could barely take a breath between the fierce beats that ricocheted in her chest. Dear God, where was he? But he was safe and alive, and she desperately wanted to hug him to her in relief. And then throttle him for making them all worry so much.

  But she couldn’t find him. Nowhere. Not a flash of him to be seen.

  Doubt jolted through her, and she stopped, her hands falling helplessly to her sides even as the people bumped into her from all directions.

  Had she truly seen him? Her throat tightened. Maybe she’d only seen another man and so desperately wanted to find her brother that she believed—

  Farther ahead in the crowd, a man turned to look back at her. Their gazes met… Garrett.

  Then he stepped between the wooden booths and disappeared into the shadows.

  She ran after him, practically shoving people out of her way as she stumbled forward. She reache
d the narrow gap between the stalls where she’d last glimpsed him and slipped into the darkness.

  Someone grabbed her arm, and she was yanked inside the stall. The narrow plank door slammed shut behind her. A hand came down over her mouth before she could scream.

  “You’re safe.”

  Her heart lurched into her throat, and she mumbled against the man’s palm. “Garrett?”

  “You’ve always been the more responsible sibling.” His hand slipped away. “You’re supposed to be saving me from trouble, not the other way around.”

  In the darkness of the shuttered stall, with the only light coming in through small gaps between the boards, she could just barely make out—

  “Garrett!” She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him. “I knew it was you!”

  “It’s me,” he murmured, holding her just as tightly.

  She pulled away from him to cup his face between her palms and turn his head this way and that, searching for any sign of injury. “Are you all right? Are you hurt?” The questions poured out of her, so did a wave of relief. “Where have you been? I was told that you’d been kidnapped, that you were giving information to—”

  “We don’t have much time. We only have a few moments before the French realize that they’ve lost sight of you and come searching.”

  A chill swirled down her spine. “A few moments for what?”

  “Give me the general’s diary,” he ordered. When she hesitated, he pressed, “I know you have it with you.”

  Her dread turned to betrayal as the sickening truth washed over her.

  What Christopher had told her was true. There was only one reason why her brother would want the diary, only one way that he could possibly know that she was in Bradwell and had it with her.

  “You’re working for the French,” she whispered, too sad and angry at him to find her voice. She drew her hands into fists at her sides. “Why? Why are you doing this?”

  “Nothing is as you believe it to be.” In the shadows, his eyes gleamed brightly as he held out his hand. “Give it to me, Diana.”